1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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