Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
