a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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