Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
