Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
