in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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