I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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