I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
