Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
