Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
