It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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