last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
