he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
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