I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
