So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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