Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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