I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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