Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
