It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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