He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
