I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
