now i know why i became what i already was.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You need Xanax blowdarts
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
