His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Is Oprah even human
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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