i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
