So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
