fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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