I wish I could teleport
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
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dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
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Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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