The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
