she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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