if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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