Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
