The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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