She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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