i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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