We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
