Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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