thus making me awesome and them whores
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
