I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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