If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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