if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
