I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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