Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
