it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
