I think I died a long time ago.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
