Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize