hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
