I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
