He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
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He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
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My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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