Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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