Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
