then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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