Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
