Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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