the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm always down for nudity.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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