He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.