Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
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Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
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Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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